Today I wanted to share with you the reason why I crochet and also why I’m not working as you get further into this post you will understand the title of this blog, firstly I see a lot of people crocheting for the same reason(s) in groups. Not only does it give me a purpose as I currently can’t work full time, because of the Virus I had it has knocked my confidence so far back in the gutter that it’s taking a little while to scrape it all back up! But I WILL get there, it’s just taking a little longer THIS time!
If you just want to skip all this writing…. but I really would appreciate it, if you read it, No? still not interested? Then jut scroll to the bottom for the list and the picture of what I have currently started!
So back to the reason of this post, firstly I crochet because I like it, I taught myself to crochet, I think just after my son was born, I suffered Post Natal Depression, which is probably 99% of a given seeing as I have been battling depression probably from the age of 13 (I just didn’t know it then!!) perhaps earlier, mixture of my shy nature, and a lot of name calling/bullying in school and then crazy teenage hormones and things at home that weren’t going well either! This brings us to the second and third reason why I crochet it keeps my Depression, Anxiety and worries at bay, I put all my feelings and thoughts into my crochet piece (it’s amazing how much you can get done like that!) and the achievement when I have mastered something or completed something is the buzz that I need to keep me from falling off that cliff once again!
My Son is wonderful as is my Husband they understand that I am not always the happy person I show to the outside world, some days I just need to cry and be grumpy for a couple of hours just to get the horrid Depression and Anxiety off my back, but with Crochet these days are far and few between and getting less and lesss frequent.
Those that have followed my blog from the start know that I had a virus that literally wiped me out, I had to basically work myself up to walk further than a few steps, so every time I manage to walk far, I feel amazing like I have climbed a mountain.
The Virus was like meningitis, I have yet to have anything like this confirmed but I think this is what it was, but on top of that I think something else happend in that hospital, I think I had some sort of stroke like thing, because when I woke my arms and legs were paralysed, I couldn’t reach the bell because my arms would not move, you have no idea (unless you have been through this!) how terrifying that is, waking up from what was just a terribly stiff neck to not being able to move those weak limbs, I tried to shout but as my Virus had left me with a sore throat (it was like someone had burnt my throat from the inside) I couldn’t shout out either loud enough, to make this worse I was in a room on my own for quarantine …I must of woke 3am ish, must of been because it was the summer and it had been super light early, Not one person came in, until the shift swap at 8 -8.30 am, so as you can imagine I was hysterical by this point, The nurses were amazing that morning the Male nurse, said don’t worry your going to be fine we have to get the doctor, so they said they would get him, but as with most hospitals they are overworked overstretched and the Doctors man like 3/4 wards at a time, he didn’t see me until 3pm in the afternoon I could now move my right arm from the elbow and my right leg but my left side would not move much at all, I couldn’t lift my arm or my left up, it was pure weakness and scariness I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!
The doctor came got hold of my head moved it around and said well your neck looser than the other day, much better then he walked out, he didn’t even check my arms and legs, didn’t ask questions of what happened, and I couldn’t get my brain and words to work together to say anything plus the sore throat, so that was it! Off he went!
The next day I got another doctor who came in said we think that you didn’t have mumps (duhhh! I have had this 3 times (well 4 but they don’t believe me!)) so you don’t need to be in quarantine anymore, but as they don’t have beds I stayed there but the nurses didn’t have to wear masks and aprons at least, for the next two days, I found a way that I could force myself up (my left leg worked now, but was still extremely weak!) in and out of bed with no help (the night nurses were disgraceful, I don’t even want to scare you with that!) I am dyslexic and I always find a way round things I can’t do like “normal” people, always have always will even if they seem WEIRD to others If it gets the job done, what harm is that? So I used this resource for that. The doctor saw me sitting up one morning (that was hell trying to sit up in the chair for that early really was!) and said that I looked better and I could go home…. my husband was FURIOUS, and so he should of been I shouldn’t of been let out I was still seriously ill, but I couldn’t risk being there any longer, I knew my husband would keep me safe! (doesn’t that sound so wrong?!)
So I went home, months, well no, actually it was probably last year I started to finally turn a corner, with my husband and my mother in law’s help and lots of patience I managed to get walking,and talking again my brain for the first year after this was fuddled and muddled and also my Granddad died of cancer (think it was in 2012!) (my Nana couple of years before – I’m not sure with dates everything is all muddled) Even now my brain lets me down, I want to say something and I can’t think of the word, for example I’ll say to my husband can you pass me the water thingy, I mean Jug and I just can’t get the word out! Other days I will stutter or I just can’t say what I want to say, it’s just me going ..Hi can you. ijk,fign;l 9ij plejkj ase , so I have to try and repeat what I want to say a few times, other days I slur and sound like a drunk (I don’t drink, I don’t like the taste!) so my confidence has dived even further than before, how can I go back to teaching children if no one understands me or I can’t remember the name for a duck?
So this is why I’m currently not working, oh and just so you know I’m not claiming any benefits either, my husband is just supporting me, I’m lucky he is in that position, but we have to be careful with money as you can imagine, so crochet also helps keep gift costs down, because I use the yarn I have (or that I buy with birthday money) to make gifts! I hope people realise that I think hard of what they like and try to make things individual to them, and how much work I put into these hand made gifts, but I’m sure they do. x 🙂
So now you know why I crochet, it gives me a purpose that work would normally give me and it gives me something to focus on! I have thought about going back to work and I really would like my own money, but then it also comes to the point of the exhaustion that I suffer, it’s like climbing 10 mountains in a day and not having a break, then trying to do it all the next day, as you can imagine your body is just super tired! Also I still have problems with my left side, if I use my arm too much (like now I have typed this my hand is starting to just give up!) or walk too much, I start to drop things and trip up.
But I wanted to give you an insight into this because even though I have yet to have a name for what happened, (it wasn’t R.A.) I am just trying to keep on track trying to keep going, and I appear “normal” on the outside but I’m really not at all really, I still struggle with been on my own, I can’t sleep on my own in case I wake up and it has happened again, I need soemone to be in the house to check on me, germs are also another issue I have had to deal with, for the first year and a half after this Virus, because my immune system was pathetic everywhere I went if someone would have a sniffle I would get a full blown flu, sinus infection ear infection (it got so bad once my ears bled!) I started carrying around those hand gel pens and bottles like they were gold dust, even now if someone dosen’t wash their hands when they are finished in a public toilet I feel super anxious, I have to put my hand in a sleeve and open the door then when I get home that goes straight in the wash, If I can bear wearing it for that long, or I use a tissue then I have to hand gel my hands, in a restaurant if the knife and fork look even slightly dirty/water dropped I get the vinegar and napkin and wipe them, it’s crazy but it helps me feel less anxious!
Some of these things I haven’t even admitted to my sisters or parents but I think people should be aware that sometimes trauma can come from something as simple as this thing it doesn’t always have to be military based or similar, it can be something as small as this! , so please don’t assume that just because you can’t see someone’s disability it isn’t real!!
I was going to do this post about depression but my fingers started to write this, so I will write about depression another time! And for those just needing a crochet fix this is what I have been up to!
To break if up here is a picture..or two first 🙂
This is a fluffy rug I am making it’s all in single crochet no pattern I just started a circle and am increasing as I go, I’m currently on 20 stitches and two Sc in one stitch which equals an increase, once I get back to the beginning (I have a safety pin as my marker!) it will be 21 stitches and two sc in one stitch, and so on! I’m just using up my scrap fluffy yarn 🙂
31 Days of Crocheted Gifts List *
*This list is subject to change or maybe be added to, also I will not be blogging for a week from the 6th September to about the 14th September because of some family commitments, but will try and update once this is done, and will try and update every day before then!
- Circle Rug – Fluffy (already started)
- Dragon Lovey (requested by my son)
- Wrist Warmers
- Dish Cloths
- Hot Pad
- Oven Gloves
- Tea Pot Cosy
- Granny Square Blanket/Bobble Blanket/Afghan (this might have to change because of the amount of yarn needed!)
- Small Square blanket (i.e. Tardis/Mario)
- Train (pattern I have been meaning to make)
- Bird house and Birds numbered – 1 to 5
- Elsa -(the doll)
- Plastic Bag holder
- Beach Bag
- Cuff Links
- VW Campervan
- Pencil Case
- Hook Roll/case
- Teddy Hammock
- Elsa Cloak
- Stocking (for Christmas)
- Key ring
I have done some extra ones here
- Bobbles/Scrunchies/hair tyes
- Little Cottages
- Hoody (for baby)
- Barbie Clothes
- Barbie Shoes
Well I hope this post found you well and I wish you good luck in all that you do, if you have anything to add to this list or something I may of missed just drop me a comment below. Harm none and do as though will.
Update! I have started on the Dragon Lovey and so you know that I do make these things myself I recorded myself Crocheting (WOW! Didn’t know my hands moved that fast!) but I’m afraid I’m unable to put it on here, so if you want go have a look at my Fbook crochet Album here!